Wednesday, May 02, 2012

New Product For Squeezed Margins! Guaranteed...

The Big Squeeze!
Bottom line feeling the pinch?  It's a really tough world out there right now; hard to make ends meet in a "double zero economy" - zero loan demand and zero returns on investments.  Sure doesn't leave much room to wiggle.... time to call in the marketeers for an answer!

The "go to" marketing firm in our area is Braggadocia & Spin. The partners, according to their very own brochure, are borderline creative geniuses with much experience in "revenue enhancement" (they don't say whose...!).  B&S was the firm which developed the catchy name "Fly-N-Food Mart" for a local convenience store which wanted to emphasize its quick service. The agency also solved the marketing riddle of how to advertise irregular hours for a local eatery, installing bright, flashing neon signs proclaiming:  "Open Occasionally"!  Another fast food innovation - "Munchin' Marvin's All You Can Eat Chitterlings" - is some of their work and the "Sumo Bungee Jump Festival" was also their idea.  Great "stuff", huh!

Want to guess what new product B&S proposed to grow non-interest income?

12-21-12 !
Mayan Calendar Life Insurance! 

As many of you know the ancient Mayan Calendar predicts the end of the world will occur on December 21, 2012!  B&S is certain that the end of the world is not only an insurable risk, but is also an exceptional marketing opportunity.   

The B&S proposal suggested  $1, $5, and $10 million dollar individual life coverage limits to protect against a "Mayan Calendar event" for as little as $29.99 per month (cheaper than an overdraft!!), with optional accidental death and dismemberment, first-to-die, and ability-to-annuitize riders. Entire family coverage can be added for a small extra monthly premium of $2.99!  A single payment feature will offer members perpetual protection against a Mayan Calendar event for just $499.99, with 120 month financing available at "0%" APR!

If you missed out on The Rapture...
B&S forecasts huge demand and "exceptional net revenue potential". And, if worse comes to worse?  Don't Worry, Be Happy - no one will (be around to) complain.  And, if worse doesn't come to worse?  B&S has this low cost, optional "survivor's benefit" rider that can be added for as little as....

(Well, if you've got any better ideas, send them along ...please!....soon!!!)

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